What is the future?

Photo by Amanda Marie on Unsplash

It's been a rough go since the last post. There's been a ton of sadness and anger to process around the estrangement with my siblings that prompted the last post, wanting to quit my job, and finding out someone I love blocked me on social media and is not responding to my messages.

The job thing is especially hard. I still love the company. It's the program I'm on now that I hate. I need to work late, which makes it hard for me to get both enough sleep (I need to be in bed by 11 for best results and that's when I finish work now) and to do things that feed me. This client has demands of me that I don't like and it's a longer training with hoops the trainees have to jump through. So I'm tired and cranky and weary of the responsibility.

I'm also tired of the 5-day work week. With my dad laid up and my siblings rotating to support him, the only consistent visitor my mom has right now is me. I'd like to go more often. I was able this week to get a lift out to see her one day before I started work but it was too much for me.  I've always found a regular work week exhausting but this is now next level.

So instead of doing the million things that need doing, I took yesterday to rest. In the afternoon, I went to Maisonette to support my favourite chocolatier, then down to Cherry Beach with a book. I stood on the sand and let the lake wash over my feet. It was good. It was grounding. I sat on a bench facing the lake and read for a while. I then went to Cherry St BBQ and had some brisket on the patio with a drink. When the drink was done, I went to a nearby park, sat on a bench, and finished the book. 

I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had done something like that. Definitely before I started my job. Changes need to happen. So how to make the shift?

Turns out a good place to start is love. Or more specifically, tapping myself into self-love. I've been using a mantra this weekend - "I am self-love." Yes, there's a lot of resistance. It took a good couple of hours before I felt myself move into my heart. But with that, there's hope. 

I started this because I couldn't even imagine the things I wanted. I would start to picture it in my mind and it would go someone else. I couldn't feel the having of it. And now, while I still can't feel into the having of it, I can at least now feel into the possibility.

So what does that life look like? A 30 hour work week when I use writing & speaking to inspire. An hour every day for my music. 30 minutes a day to learn languages. Time visiting either my parents or my friends. Time for reading. Time for studying Human Design and other paths that interest me. Time for a couple of romantic relationships. Time to swim. Time for sleep.

How to get there from here? I can't see the next step. I'll just keep leaning into self-love.