When I took on the speaking event, I was told by another host that it would change me. What I didn't expect was it bringing up paralyzing fear, feelings of not good enough, and crippling guilt around letting people down.
These four months have been a doozy. On the heels of finally finding a place to land, all this other stuff came up. It manifested as overwhelm, an easy thing to assign it to, especially for someone who has focus challenges a lot of the time. It really took me getting violently ill to let these feelings come up. Like I talked about in the last post, all of it brought an overwhelming feeling of defeat, of failure.
I went into it wanting to share people's stories. If you go back a decade in this blog, you'll read me talking about my belief in the power of theatre to change the world through the communal action of hearing stories and finding our own truths within them. So here I am, doing this in the most raw and direct way possible - and being afraid to do the things that will make it a success?
I am getting all these messages around me that I'm releasing the past and moving on to a new level of ascension (basically, thoughts at a higher vibration - think more love, less fear). And I'm seeing this project is the master class. Working through fears of disappointing authority figures, wanting to be liked and admired by peers, wanting to be a commercial success - all of those are at play.
So, I'm delaying my service launch for a few days to work through this old stuff. What I am creating is something I truly believe is going to help people and the best way I know to get it out into the world is by being able to focus on it and not being always glancing at my to-do list thinking about the other tasks I'm committed to doing. Plus, the e-commerce part is proving a bit tricky.
So time to get back to the other project I truly believe helps people. Time to get it right.
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