Done

Image by Chuttersnap

Yeah, that was me a few days ago.

Being sick for weeks, so sick I couldn't stop coughing for more than 5 minutes at a time. Coughing so violently I had lost all bladder control. Being so bad I couldn't even leave my apartment and drag myself the block and a half to the medical clinic. Completely dehydrating myself so I could, only to find out that they couldn't find anything wrong and I just had to ride it out. Having to spend grocery and transportation money on cough medicine that did nothing. Discovering that my coughing was connected to my thoughts. Realizing what I had was soul sickness and I couldn't discover what it wanted me to know.

Not being able to sleep for weeks. Not being able to think. Watching my to do list grow longer on a daily basis. Knowing that I was letting people down. Watching all joy in my work disappear into the mist, leaving an anvil attached to my body. No longer wanting to do the things I had committed to. Barely able to do anything except watch entertainment, all the while being nagged by that voice in my head that I had so much to do. That voice became an oppressor. And the downward spiral continued.

All I wanted was sleep. Sweet, sweet elusive sleep.

And when I was finally able to sleep for a few hours at a time and the mist started to clear, knowing that I was too far behind to catch up, that my event would be a failure, that I would be a failure. What was the point anymore? What had started as something I so deeply desired became so unwanted I wanted to give it all up. Spending the weekend at least making sure I could meet the minimum of my commitments but knowing it was all lost.

So on Monday I head to Brampton. I end up in a room full of love and encouragement. I no longer felt alone. People were willing to kick me in the ass while believing in me. I remember why I wanted to do this. But there's $2 in my bank account and $4 on my Presto card and only enough groceries for the weekend, and there's a show I committed to doing which allows me to do the thing I love most (sing), and I get messages of Divine intervention and business ideas and madly working to juggle all the balls I have in air and sleep is now elusive again and the cough is starting to come back...

Breathe.

All I can do is breathe. And work on one thing at a time. So I'm taking the Divine prompting and following where it's leading me and you'll see the result of the work I've been putting in today on Monday when I launch it. Then I learn my songs and sing. Then I tackle all the event's outstanding to dos and stick to my commitment to get it right this month.

And remember the room full of love.